Waiting for Tomorrow: The Perils of Living in the Future

Jerry’s Journal - July 1st

I absolutely hate waiting alone.

Whether I am waiting in line for lunch, waiting for a meeting to start, or waiting in traffic.

If someone is there, then waiting isn’t bad because we can talk, share information, and see new perspectives on the world.

However, almost every day, there are excruciating, long moments when I just stand there, waiting for the next day to start.

Waiting for my startup team to finish their engineering, waiting for investors to email back, and waiting for my friends to reach out.

It’s torture, but why do I hate waiting so much?

It’s because of my mindset, how obsessive I get. Once I set my eyes on a goal, I must achieve it. I will spend every waking moment of my life to finish the task or get it done.

I hated sitting in the classroom, so I sped-run college in 3 years, summa cum laude with Computer Science. I saw how difficult the tech job market was for my peers, so I developed strategies and landed a six-figure job right out of college at a Fortune 500 company with under seven applications. I needed to be a part of something greater than myself, so I helped a random person I ran into in my class turn their passion project into a startup by getting into incubators, incorporating, and networking. The thing is though, I don’t really have any hard skills that differentiate me - I genuinely believe a high school student could have done anything I have done; I’ve just been very lucky, and I’ve had more chances to roll the dice.

But all of these tasks really were meant for only one purpose. And that purpose is to buy myself time in the future by retiring early so once I figure out what I want to do, I’ll have the time to do it.

But what do I really want to do - once I retire? Well, to pass the time, I would love to become a magician full-time and create content. But what I really, really need in life is a romantic partner. That's what I dream about every single day. All I want is to hold someone close to sleep, wake up with someone in my arms, go on spontaneous adventures, and, the most important aspect for me, have deep conversations that help show new perspectives on life.

Whenever I’m alone, which is the majority of my life, I have so many thoughts that run through my head. My heart wrenches when I can’t share them with anyone—these thoughts range from philosophical questions to potential product ideas or ideas for my next video. But then, since I can’t share them with anyone, I lose motivation to do anything - to act on the ideas - and continue standing there in an empty 2-bedroom apartment. Alone.

The worst factor in all of this is the timing. Timing has always been the hatred of my life. I wish I were at a point in my life where there wasn’t a distance that separates me from my future potential partner. I wish I were at a point in life where my startup team had a completed demo so I could launch my marketing plan before I started my full-time software engineering job. I always feel like I have too much time now and not enough time in the future.

I understand that feeling grateful can help counteract this ungrateful feeling of being on the bad side of timing, and I acknowledge that I am extremely lucky. How did I even end up in this place, so privileged to even think about these thoughts?

I recently met a girl that changed my life. Whether or not we end up together - it doesn’t matter. I’ll never, ever forget her. She changed my whole worldview on what relationships can & should be, and she was so honest, down-to-earth, and the most genuine person I have ever met. I still feel guilty meeting her because I feel partially at fault for her breakup with her last partner. I’ve noticed that I wreak havoc in relationships, unintentionally causing arguments with partners just from a brief conversation…is it the dollar store blazers I wear?

Now factor in the reason why I hate waiting with my thoughts with this girl. It is because when I have my eyes set on a goal, I need to get it done. I spend every waking moment, every atom in my body, to finish the task. But then this often leaves a gap, where I finish my task, and I have to wait on some outside dependency to complete it before continuing.

I wish I saw this person every day or at least a few times a week. It’s odd - I’ve always enjoyed being alone, as a natural introvert, but every time I am working alone, I wish someone else were there in the room with me. Not nesscairly talking to me - just us doing our own tasks, and once we finish, we can talk about the big things in life.

But this goal is not feasible for any party in our current relationship. Neither she nor I am ready at our point in life to facilitate something in this. And god forbid anyone finds out what I think, as it may come off as too forward or, at worst, downright creepy. The weirdest thing, though, is that even if this situation occurred, I feel that we would both really enjoy our alone time and spend days apart to recharge - I think we both enjoy our alone time to foster new ideas, ways of thinking, and novel experiences. If she didn’t like me back maybe I wouldn’t worry, but we both admitted we have crushes on each other, and I am so, so scared to ruin something that could be great in the future. I know I should realize that it’s better to be my genuine myself, to truly see if we’re compatible, but deep down inside, I’m scared of messing up.

So I have a goal, and it is out of my control to achieve it. I understand the concept of delayed gratification, but for other tasks, it works for me because I can consistently work hours, days, and years to reach my goal. However, in this scenario and many others, there are dependencies where I just have to wait, and there is nothing I can do to get there—just sitting there twiddling my thumbs.

I normally never share this with anyone, and I hope no one I mentioned in this journal entry reads it. Because frankly, especially the thoughts about this girl I met, I don’t want to turn her away. I won’t act on these daydreams, to speed up this relationship, as I recognize we both need time to heal and work on our individual careers and endeavors - I don’t want to scare her or myself.

At the end of the day, I’m scared that people will never accept me for who I am, an anxious, lonely, and desperate boy who just wants some connection in this world. This doesn’t mean that I have low standards when it comes to friends and partners - quite the opposite; although I don’t think my standards are quite high (perhaps they are) - my only standard is that genuine, ethical people that can see the good in evil, and the evil in good.

Why would I share this if I don’t want anyone to hear these thoughts? I’ve reached a point of loneliness in my life where I just need to feel heard so that people remember I exist, even if I don’t want anyone to hear it. I’m not a hikikomori; I see people every day, but most interactions at the surface level and rarely into deep conversations - that’s where I feel lonely, hence this journal entry.

I just want people to think I’m a good person and enjoy my presence. A part of me wishes I could be famous because if I ever felt lonely, I could simply go to the mall, someone would recognize me, and I could find someone to sit down and have a coffee chat with.

Somedays, it feels like it would be easier to leave this universe than to have to wait. What’s the point in life if I’m just waiting every day for the day to end, until my inevitable death?

Disclaimer: I appreciate people checking in (it really brightens my day!), but I want to make it clear that I am not at the risk of self-harm, because I can manage these thoughts (I’ve had them since fifth grade). I just want to share my story to help show people they are not alone.

If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide or in need of immediate help, please reach out to a helpline in your country. In the U.S., you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). Remember, help is available, and you are not alone.